for emma

My gut feeling is that this will end badly, but a good friend recently said ‘If its not broken, then don’t fix it’ so I’m hesitant to change it now. It’s silly but it makes me smile and I care, I don’t want to care because I think I’m going to get hurt, but I do and I can’t help it.

But there are too many others. Too too many others.

Tout le monde se marie avec le duc de Westminster. Il ya beaucoup de duchesses, mais un seul Coco Chanel.

This weekend I’ve suddenly realised how many knots are slowly building up in my mind. Right now too much hangs in the balance and once again, I dpn’t feel like I can manage it.

This week should have a plan. A plan to (1) complete Alun and Tom’s work, (2) do some exercise on ‘off’ days and (3) talk.

But, at this moment, appreciate the sound of the sea, clean sheets and an understanding that you’ve made it this far. After winter comes spring, and it is b e a utiful.

Somehow this will change, it will get better. Write a list and work through it logically. Work hard and stop shrugging off your responsibility, you CAN do this. You CAN beat this and you will, in your own little way.

DREAM BIG AND LIVE STRONG.

The reality that week one is actually only Day 5 is a scary thought. It has been a largely successful 5 days when you ignore state of play with one individual. Sadly, I think that’s a lost cause at the moment, maybe time will change that but right now its not really even a friendship, more like an awkward acquaintance.

Whilst successful, I’m worried that I’m getting ahead of myself and forgetting about others, their feelings and the responsibilities I have to them. The mechanism of writing a list and completing it is one I should possibly readopt, it’s been slightly lacking recently.

Regarding being accountable. I succeeded on the previous goals, achieving all. Tomorrows one goal is to go for a bike ride.

Be careful. Very careful.

Become accountable for your actions. Make 3 tasks and complete them the following day.

1. Submit application.

2. Run.

3. Complete process readings.

This will be hard but you CAN do it. You CAN do it and you WILL do it.

Don’t look and you wont find. You can’t find and forgot so don’t look in the first place.

You have the infrastructure, you have the friends, they’ll be there. They will be there whatever, whenever and wherever even if you just can’t see them or hear them right now.

Wake up, appreciate the view and start afresh.

The quote above is one I’ve posted before and to which I now return. The exact reason why it caught my attention then escapes me now but the quote still stirs something within me that ignites a fire. It gives me drive. Reminds me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A light, which, I’m going to fight for because otherwise this semester is going to be hell. In the long run, it will be worth it - I’m going to prove myself, I’m going to achieve and I’m going to get there by working hard. I’m going to focus, to ignore and remove myself from the situations that upset or frustrate me, I’m going to do the things I’d like to because I choose to. I’m going to remember that, as corny as it sounds, friends are like stars - you may not always see them but they will always be there. Something mine have proven time and time again. This current place is an interim, a learning experience and a challenge. It will change, I have already learned a lot (academically AND socially), I will persevere, I will achieve and I will succeed.

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

You will not break my armour plate as I strive to reach my goal.

Life recently has been a struggle. Getting up in the morning. Making an effort. Eating. Remembering to smile.

Today in particular has been a tough one, walking home was certainly a case of one foot in front of the other, passing cars blurred by tears. I can’t explain succinctly why, it was just one of ‘those’ days and if you’ve been there you’ll know the exact ones. But today friends with sixth senses stepped in and saved the day. A perfectly timed phonecall, a thoughtful text and an advent tea package did put a smile on my face. I wish I could bottle this loved feeling and save it for those moments, like the one earlier where you need something. I certainly need something at the moment, I thought I’d made an amazing group of friends and it’s just crumbled, crumbled in such a way that I don’t know how to rebuild it and actually if rebuilding is even the right thing to do. It’s something to think about but whilst thinking it’s a must to remember the pink tea, the honey bee and the friend who you’d love to see.

Do not feel alone. You are loved.